I am not alone.

My last post must have really hit a nerve. I got lots of responses from people. They were in two categories.
1. You are inspiring, keep at it.
2. Do you need more support? Are you ok?

I am happy to see both but I was a bit surprised that not only did so many people ask me if I needed help, but offered to give it to me. A couple people actually picked up a real phone, dialed my phone number and talked to me. Which is like crossing the ocean these days.

It got me thinking. YES I do need more support. I am the pillar of my household. I am the one that makes sure that everyone else has what they need. And the thing is that it is my JOB as a housewife / mother to continue to do that. I am not able to set that aside at all. Maybe a day here and there but it is the bulk of my role in life right now.

I started writing a big list of all the stuff I do. But it was boring even me. It is a lot of crap, grunt work. But it is all stuff that needs to be done. I hate most of it. But I need to focus on the big picture part that I love. I get to be here for my family and support them in the things they do. But in all that I have lost myself. I have lost some of who I am and what I want to be.

I have some mom friends who are fully fulfilled by this role. Awesome, I really do wish it was enough for me. And I have other  mom friends who work and that seems to make them happy. Fantastic, but again not the right answer for me.

What I really need to zone in on is what is right for me? What does make me happy? What can I do within the confines created by my husband's work and my daughter's school?

Well lucky me I have gotten a magical reprieve. The kiddo is off at the lake with a friend until tomorrow. So I can sit and ponder "what about me". Which seems selfish and silly. But also necessary. Maybe I "shouldn't" want more, but I do. I just don't know exactly what that more can look like right now?

Ironically, I spent the morning cleaning the house. All the way down to vacuuming out the couch crevices. But sometimes it is easier to do what is obvious. It is easier to clean my house than to clean my life.

As I head off to switch out yet another load of laundry I am going to work on figuring out how I can be happy with the things I have and what more do I really need?

Sugar DeTox!

Short Version
1. Poor planning leads to poor results.
2. Exercise improves my mood dramatically.
3. My name is Chrissy and I am addicted to sugar & carbs

I often have this debate with my mother who is diabetic, she says she can't have a piece of fruit. And I say yes you can, not all sugar is created equal. What is the real answer? I'm not a Dr. I can't really say officially but I have been doing tons of reading and research into what the heck I should be eating. All these nutritionalists and Drs say that processed food is evil. That we should be eating whole, real food. And through trial and error I have to say that I now am a firm believer that they are right.

I have been slipping on my planning and preparing. I have slipped into eating a baked potato with some smart balance on it as my default meal. This is technically vegan but I can tell you my conclusion. I have stopped loosing weight, and I have NO energy. Today I am going to get back on the planning and prepping band wagon. Also Smart Balance has palm oil in it! Urgh! I am not going to buy it again once what I have is gone. The way they harvest palm oil is so terrible for the environment.

Another conclusion that I have read over and over in this research I am doing is "you cannot exercise your way out of a bad diet".  I keep trying to do just that. I even did an hour of Jazzercise and two hours or roller derby on Tuesday. It made my bones hurt I was so tired. And because I over did it on Tuesday I did not work out at all on Wednesday. When I do not get any exercise I am grumpy. So I woke up this morning already grumpy.

So I have a new mantra:
I exercise for my mood.
I eat for health and energy.

This week I am doing a sugar detox. I am cutting out all items that have sugar in them. And it is hard. It has made me grumpy. Yesterday I was starving and caved and ate both sugar and cheese. Why? - see poor planning statement above.

I have also slipped into eating more bread. I really think that eating carbs is a slippery slope for me. And when I over do it on carbs I get foggy headed and can't think straight. Why do I keep slipping? I think it is because old habits die hard. Also we live in a society where it is tough to eat the way we should. Not impossible but it takes more planning and preparing.

I also have let life creep in. I have skipped working out because I was too tired or because I needed to do something for someone else. I have to make myself a priority. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I skipped working out yesterday and got no more done than I would have if I had gone to Jazzercise or something.

When I work out I have more energy and feel happier therefore I am more productive. When I feel like skipping a workout or eating something quick and crappy I need to remember that neither of these things ever serve me well. I never regret a good workout and I never regret a hearty & healthy meal. I always regret skipping a workout and I always regret eating something crappy.

Through all this, I still have not given up on myself. I have hit some bumps in the road. But they are just bumps the road is not closed. I do not need to take the detour. I need to suck it up and go over the bumps.

By the way, today is my 10th wedding anniversary. This represents the longest and strongest commitment of my entire life. And I have to say I am sure I picked the right person because the last 10 years (11.5 if you count when we were dating) with him have been the best ones of my life. And when all is said and done they have been pretty easy years too. I have never once considered quitting him or our life and if you know me at all that is a huge statement.

So I am off to make some plans and get things done. What are you going to do today?

- C 

Not Giving Up is REALLY hard.

Short Version
Even though I have slacked on writing I have not given up.
Moving up to PG might kill me.
I am addicted to sugar and having a fresh start.

Left: Me, Right: Awesome skater Brandy! 

Not giving up is hard. I am usually a quitter. My mom is well aware that she is a quitter and I was allowed to quit anything I did not like as a kid. So all this not quitting is really hard. I told my pal B that I am proud of myself for going from a really crappy skater to a just plain crappy skater. And if I had given up that would not be the case. I would not be any sort of skater. I would just talk all big about it and not do it. But that is totally not cool, so will not be quitting until I am done! 

On Sunday I did my first practice with the PG team. OMG I was terrified. Those girls are serious. No more just skating around getting you to it stuff. I have moved on to the blocking and jamming and learning the actual rules for real. G is too easy now. Maybe one day I will be able to say that about PG but I have to keep not quitting to get there. 

I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks. I am totally addicted to sugar. I apparently can cut out any other food like a bad boyfriend and never think of it again unless it contains sugar. Then I am hooked and I just can't walk away. So I have managed to turn away cupcakes and other non-vegan goodies which in many respects is a HUGE step. But there is a lot of sugary vegan crap in the world. So my next phase is to tackle the sugar demon. 

Along with my propensity for quitting, I love a fresh start. As a kid I went to 6 different schools from K - 8th grade. I have no idea how I reacted in the early years but the last couple of moves were a relief. I got to walk away from all the embarrassing crap I did. All the terrible things I said and all he people I had pissed off. Then High school was a fresh start, then college, then moving to Atlanta, then I went through a string of jobs, boyfriends, and living situations. All of these had an element of a fresh start. Now I have been married to the same man and lived in the same house for 10 years. I have had several jobs and done all sorts of crazy hobbies and such ( like roller derby). But this is the longest I have stuck to anything in my 37 years. The husband is easy no desire for a new one there. But I do get itchy feet to move to a new house, a new town, a new life all the time. Not that what I have is not good enough I am just addicted to the new. The excitement, the fresh start is all so alluring for me.  

So tomorrow is a new day and for now that is going to have to be enough of a fresh start.